N is for Ninja Squirrels (Also Known as My Minions)

By - April 16, 2013

Once upon a time, I threatened anyone who opposed me with minions I liked to call, "The Ninja Squirrels."  These fearsome beasts could get out, into enemy territory, wreak havoc, and leave without anyone ever knowing they were there.  I never liked to use them if it wasn't entirely necessary.  The squirrels and I had come to an agreement.  I would provide them safety, food, a nice little squirrel bath, and in exchange, they would do any dirty work for me should need arise.

But then, one of the minions made a mistake, and he did not return from mission. I kept quiet for the safety of the others, and for years, I managed to keep this video mainly under wraps. Unfortunately, however, a couple of years ago, AOL re-opened my can of worms by posting a "blast from the past" type article featuring the shameful footage of one of my ninja squirrels, who was unfortunately caught on camera en route to complete a mission. So with the video resurfacing, I am forced to claim him in hopes that it will remind the rest of my force of the dangers of being caught.

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However, even though he was seen on camera, I must applaud not only his evasive maneuvering.  I also praise his overall ethic and commitment to the mission. Even when confronted with gloves and rakes, he maintained his composure and stayed focused, never losing his cool, and he even managed to escape unscathed.

So, today, I would like to offer up a few tips so that with some work, in a few short weeks, you, too, can have a deadly rodent assault team. 

First, start with politely introducing yourself to your neighborhood squirrels. It helps to bow to them, as they appreciate the gesture of mutual respect. If they bow back, you know they have consented to enter into a delicate, dangerous (and mildly ridiculous) business relationship with you. Step one, complete!

Step two: begin their training, and use nuts (Side note: And whatever you do, do not call them nuts. They will murder you on site, no questions asked.) But you must be tactful; do not attempt to lure an attack squirrel with a nut as though the nut is some sort of treat. He is not a dog. He is a deadly assassin, and you must treat (Side note: Pun definitely not intended-- do you think I want to piss off the death squad in my backyard?) him as such. Therefore, place the nuts at the end of an obstacle course filled with wild jungle predators, complete with a tightrope walk across a narrow limb between a gauntlet of flying axes. Therefore, his obtaining the nuts is less of a demeaning exercise and more a test of honor, a quest for glory. 

Step three: having proven himself worthy by not dying by splat in the gauntlet, you may now present him with his own set of custom made weapons. And none of that hand-me-over crap from the unfortunate demise of your last squirrel ninja, because he will be severely offended if you try to give him another ninja's gear. And trust me; he would know. Ignore this bit of advise at your own peril...

Granted, it takes years and years of training and devotion to develop a strike team as precise and lethal as my current division, but these steps will get you started. In the meantime, my hit squirrels are available, but I do charge quite a steep fee. Unless I like you, in which case, I may be willing to ask them politely if they'd "do you a freebie."

If you could have a team of minions, what would they be?