P is for When PIGS Fly
By - April 18, 2013
...for anyone who has ever used that phrase, you better ante up, because...swine flu. Har, har. Bet you haven't heard that one yet. Har, har. I slay myself. Anyway...moving on!
Ah, how fondly we all remember the dire warnings of imminent pandemic that would overtake us all as our precious porkers gave us the piggie cooties. As adorable as pigs may be, "swine flu" sounds far more disgusting than bird flu ever did. I mean, swine flu, Couldn't they have at least called it Bacon Fever? Anyhow, though the crisis has passed, I decided that in the interest of constant vigilance, I would tell you all what to look for and how to protect yourselves against...you know what...in case the Hamchitis ever comes back again.
Ahem.
First and foremost, what everyone wants to know is, how do you tell if your swine has the flu. This can be tricky, since most pigs are hypochondriac bastards who would just as soon tell you they were feeling feverish as look at you. So, step one: DON'T PANIC. The reason you shouldn't panic is because although pigs are hypochondriacs, they are also fickle. So, even though they'll be telling you they are about to keel over one second, the next second they will realize if they are sick, you'll tell them they have to stay in from Ms. Piggy's Birthday Ball, so they'll back out of that one and fast. He'd sell his own mother to Fresh Air Barbecue before he'd miss that birthday ball.
Which brings me to step two: listen carefully to your pig while interrogating him about his flu symptoms. Although another pitfall (Side note: insert barbecue pit joke here) of pigs is their need to lie constantly, the flu-like pig will suddenly lose his ability to tell falsities. Most pigs, when questioned about the flu, will spin wild tales (tails) of themselves sprouting wings and circling the room. They have heard for so long this idea of themselves "flying" that they are physically incapable of hearing the two words "pig flu" together without picturing their own Wright Brothers moment.
If, however, your pig is not a pathological liar and tells you, when you ask him, that he is quite honeslty feeling a bit under the weather, then remember these few tips to remain safe from your pig:
One: Do not make out with your pig. I know he's sexy, and he can be persuasive at times, but one of the number one ways swine flu is transmitted is through contact with swinal (hahahaha. I can't keep a straight face when I just said that. Swinal. swinal. SWINAL! Swinal.) saliva. Must. Not. Let. Him.
Two: Do not eat with your pig. To dine with your pig is to dine with death.
Three: Do not eat your pig. True, his sexiness no longer an option, you may feel that his lack of worth combined with his treachery is enough that you should simply do away with him. After all, he does look tasty. And even though they (you know...them), say you don't get swine flu from eating the meat, I still must caution against this. Why? Well, basically just because eating this pig you've laughed and cried with just kind of makes you a heartless bastard, doesn't it?
So, that's how to stay safe from the swine flu. And maybe one day, we'll be free from all the panic caused over small outbreaks of Avian Flu/Swine Flu/West Nile Virus, and all those others that have caused chaos over the years.
What do you predict will be the next animal epidemic that threatens to take down society?
FLASH POINT (Dr. Jenna Ramey #3)
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