Spiders, Heights, and Children, Oh, My!

By - October 6, 2011

Or, better known as my fears. Granted, I'm probably afraid of one or two other things ("one or two" should read "a hundred or so"), but these are the big three. To most, only one of them seems legitimate. But really, being afraid of heights and spiders are valid fears as well! What? The fear of heights is the common fear? Whatever. No matter whether you think that heights is the valid fear or you recognize that children should be feared above all others, chances are you don't understand your fears. (Side note: Those of you laughing right now aren't nearly frightened enough!) Here, let me strike chords of terror within you:

Spiders. Just the word is enough to make me cringe. They scuttle about, threatening to crawl on you, and I even hear you eat some number of spiders in your sleep every year. (Side note: This thought alone makes me want to drink boiling water just to make sure they are dead and not crawling around in there somewhere.) They have eight legs, all the better to creep around with. I've got to stop talking about it now...it's disgusting. On to my second fear...

A lot of people are afraid of heights, and not without good reason. Plenty of humans have died from falling (why do you think one of the main chosen methods of suicide is jumping off of a tall building?), and I for one am leery of getting to close to the edge of something tall and accidentally toppling over. The main reason for this is because you have a few seconds once you start falling to think about how bad it's going to hurt to smack the pavement, how horrid it will be to hear your own bones crunch as they shatter into pieces. My, what a cheerful thought! See...Colby's blog is also good for inspiration! But if you need to be inspired, stop reading now, because where this blog is going, there's no turning back.

(Cue theme from Jaws).

Children...yes, they may look adorable from the outside, but they are really to be regarded with caution. And I'm not talking about babies or older children...I'm talking about the ones who are old enough to go to the bathroom by themselves but not yet old enough to write in cursive. Oh, yes. You know of whom I speak. My main problem with these small people is that they know too much. They may look innocent, but they know what you're thinking. They can read minds. And they can smell fear from a mile away, and as soon as they catch that whiff of fear, they will exploit it and use it to dominate you. So now you have to ask yourself the hard question...do they really look that cute, or is that precious smile just a clever ruse to lure you into a false sense of security so that as soon as your back is turned they can go through your stuff? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Now, I hope this blog has uplifted your day, made you feel like things were crawling on you, makes you have a dream you are falling off of tower, and makes you scream and run the next time you pass a five-year-old on the street. I told you...I'm inspirational today!