Putting the X in Exercise

By - April 27, 2013

I must start today's blog by saying...I have no idea what this is about to do to my search terms on google. Heaven help.   Also, a disclaimer: if you're easily offended, prudish, or have a problem with unusually strong blushing, do not continue reading.  Now, on to the post!

By now, most of you have probably seen this abomination on TV. But in case you haven't, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the shake weight.

Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. (Side note: I'm saying "okay" a lot in a drastic, last ditch effort to filter all of the really crude jokes I could make while I wait for the less crass analysis to seep in.) (Side note 2: Do not use the word "seep" in sentences referring to the shake weight. It does not help the crude jokes diminish any faster.)

Okay. I'm ready now.

I have to ask, Shake Weight People...what in the name of sweet cartwheeling Jesus were you thinking? "Hey! I have the perfect invention! Women could hold a cylindrical object and pump their arms up and down rhythmically. Women will love to work out their arms that way (if they're sluts.)!" Come on, Shake Weight People...not only would that commercial cause even the Amish to break out in laughter if they watched TV, but creepy old men and Richard Simmons are probably performing a similar motion to that commercial in their weird, lava-lamp decorated basements.

What's next for you guys, huh? "Tired of your lips looking thin and in a line? Want the sexy, pouty 'O' of a mouth like Marilyn Monroe? Try the brand new O Stick! It's a simple cylinder approximately five inches in circumference with a rounded tip, which you insert into your mouth for twenty-five repetitions, five times a day. It'll shape and define your lips into the pouty O you've always wanted!" What they won't say on the commercial: "But you might want to do those repetitions in private...ya freakin' slut!"

For the record, there is also a shake weight for men that says it was developed by scientists who proved the motion of the Shake Weight could do for your muscles in 6 minutes what a standard dumbbell took over forty minutes to do. What do you want to bet the guy who figured that out was the one of the same guys behind the development of Viagra?

He's also most likely one of those basement guys I was talking about earlier. 

It's the circle of liiiiiife! And it moves us aaaa-allll!

What's the strangest piece of exercise equipment you've ever seen?