T is for Tail Envy

By - April 23, 2013

For some time now, I've been promising to do a blog post to explain my fondest dream, and I'm finally going to make good on that oath. Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated with the idea of having a tail. Unfortunately for me, for every plastic surgeon I've heard of that offers boob jobs, none seem to offer tail installation.

So, what most people want to know is why would I want a tail? And I answer you: why would you NOT want one? The possibilities are endless, and I can think right off the top of my head of several things for which a tail would come in handy. First of all, have you ever been crying, but didn't have a soft tissue with which to wipe away your tears? I nice fluffy tail would have solved that problem. You could just reach behind you, and there it would always be when you needed it most. Another thing you could use your tail for would be to wipe your nose if it was, say, bleeding after being knocked with a car door, but that's another story for another time.

Another possibility for a tail is that you would have it there to use as a weapon, should you be attacked or just feel the need to smack someone. You could hit them with it in whip-like maneuver, or if all else failed, strangle them with it. Also, if you were bleeding after said attack, you could wrap your leg/arm/whatever appendage is bleeding with the tail, thus using said tail as a tourniquet.

Less important (but fun!) uses for the tail include things like using it as a microphone to sing into or chasing it when you are bored. And have you ever needed a place to drape your coat or a place to stick a piece of scotch tape while you're wrapping a present? If you've ever thought, "If only I had a place to drape this..." then a tail might be for you, too!

However, I must warn you, if we ever do find someone who can provide us with a tail installation, there are certain complications of having a tail. These include getting caught in doors, pranksters pulling on them, etc. I must say, though, that regardless of the drawbacks, I feel that the rewards outweigh the risk.

As to why God didn't bless me with a tail to begin with, I will never know. I can only hope that when I go to heaven, maybe I can trade my pair of wings for a nice tail.

Would you like a tail for any reason?