W is for Wildebeest

By - April 26, 2013

Today's post is an animal cool-ety dedicated to the one living creature who needs an animal cool-ety dedicated just to him, because his life sucks more than a Dyson bagless.  His life sucks so much that he needs this one little ray of sunshine...
 
That's right, Blog Club; I'm talking about the wildebeest. (Side note: See? Even his name sucks...he doesn't even get proper "beast"dom, but rather, is demoted to the less formal "beest.")
 
From the moment he is born, he's doomed to be the prey of some carnivore in a nature show. The only excitement of his life is wondering whether his demise will be at the jaws of a lioness or a crocodile. (Side note: he hopes it's a crocodile, simply because if he's in the water, he will have a slight chance to die by drowning before his leg is chewed off.) I imagine the newborn baby wildebeest, fresh out of his mother's wildebeest womb. He breathes the fresh, clean air (well, as clean as it can be in a herd of wildebeests) and thinks, "I'm alive! I'm alive!" He revels in his glorious new body, his new life! Then, he looks down at his body, sees his hooves. He looks around at the animals surrounding him, his family. And he thinks, "Aw, damn it. I'm a wildebeest."
 
But what I can't wait for is when that one genius wildebeest comes along (Side note: You know, like a wildebeest version of the professor on Gilligan's Island who can make an radio out of a seashell that runs on a single battery for all time.) Well, when that wildebeest comes along, he will make some wildebeest weaponry...perhaps a nice heat-seeking missile that shoots from his anus. Then, when the herd stampedes as the lioness charges them, he just kind of hangs back and lets the others get away, forcing the lioness to turn her sights on him, the lingerer. And as she gains on him, he fires. And as he gallops away, he thinks, "Take that, asshole!" And then he poops, because damn, that was scary.
 
Either way, the wildebeest cool-ety rating is VERY cool. Because I'm just not about to knock him down just before he gets eaten. After all, that wildebeest heat seeking anus missile technology is probably a still a few years away...
 
If you were a wildebeest, would you rather get eaten by a lioness or a crocodile?
Tags: wildebeest, animal cool-ety, animals, death, food chain, Blogging from A to Z Challenge

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