The Need for Nightlights

By Colby Marshall - November 29, 2012

Welcome back, folks! (Side note: I haven’t yet found a “pet name” for the readers of this blog yet.  When I wrote the blog that lived on my other site, I called you Blog Club.  I typed that a few times here, though, and it just didn’t feel right.  New site, new groove.  I dislike “folks” thoroughly, though.  What do you prefer?  Folks?  Humans? Ambassadors of Impending Doom?)  Today, I was settling in to answer a few e-mails, and as usual, I was distracted by a plethora of shiny websites like twitter and CNN.com.  Amongst the nine-hundred tabs I opened on my browser, I found an article about a woman who made some questionable internet statements following the election.  Don’t worry!  Don’t click away!  This is not a political post!  It is a post of another type I tend to do from time to time (read: “too much to count”): a post of what the hell.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/12/denise-helms-woman-who-called-obama-the-n-word-takes-it-back-receives-death-threat_n_2117352.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

But of course, this woman’s “what the hell” moment is only the newest in humanity’s list of awesome ideas.  (Side note: I’m rethinking calling you folks “humans” as a pet name.  I wouldn’t want to insult you.  GAH!  I said folks again!  Where am I from?  Georgia?)  The brilliant ideas go way back.  For example, look at the lullaby “Rock a Bye Baby.”  The tune is catchy, the melody gentle.  The lyrics?  Not so much. 

Rock a bye baby, in the tree top

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Um…what.  The.  Hell.  That is terrifying!  If I was a baby, that would scare the shit out of me! (Please, folks, no crude diaper jokes.  GAH!  I said it again!)  If researchers were looking for the causes of, I don’t know…things like acrophobia, separation anxiety, tennis elbow…I’m sure they could find the cause of all this damage to be parents unwittingly brain-washing their children into a subtle fear of…everything.

Which brings me to another terrifying song: “Santa Claus is Coming To Town.”

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

 

We teach children that talking to strangers is bad, and yet, we sing to them about a creepy old man who watches them through their windows at night.  So, the message I’m getting here is that talking to strangers is bad unless that stranger offers you toys and candy in exchange for your unconditional love.  I think we might be losing something in translation here.

Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe these little songs are completely harmless, and no child has ever been diagnosed with a permanent mood disorder following these little ditties. But can you be sure?  Folks are so quick to point out the flaws in violence in video games or on the big screen, but the scary is clearly out there from the beginning.  After all, is “Rock a Bye Baby” not the original thriller an infant hears?

Conclusion: the more you scare a child intentionally, the less fear response he or she will have in the later years.  The child will have a logical head on his shoulders, and know pretend from reality.  We will have some well-adjusted, brave people on our hands. (Side note: True, you could argue that this could make for some seriously disturbed robotic death minions, but don’t, because if thrillers for children are “gateway” reads to adult thrillers, well, then that helps me. And that’s what I’m really going for here.)

Have you noticed any other children’s songs that aren’t noticeably strange at first glimpse?