M is for Mythology: A Crash Course in Zeus-dom

By - April 15, 2013

I've always been interested in mythology. The stories are entertaining, and I am fascinated that the gods were such jerks (Side note: no, God, not you...the lower case gods). Usually the gods and goddesses were jealous, angry, spiteful, and/or stupid.

Take, for example, the story of Cronus, the father of the "supergod" Zeus. As the myth tells it, Cronus castrated his own father Uranus (holy testicles, that's harsh!) in order to overthrow him and become head honcho. He then got busy with Rhea, who bore him seven children. Now, keep in mind that he'd been warned (by a soothsayer, or did I make that up?) that one of his own children would overthrow him (Side note: They always say child abuse is a cycle...maybe father overthrowing is a cycle, too. Heck, maybe it's even an Olympic sport...the discus, the shot put, and the one hundred meter father toss.). So,Cronus did what any normal, loving, threatened Grecian god turned father figure would do...he ate them. His children, I mean (Side Note: Because in addition not wantin to be overthrown, he also didn't want the kiddos to read his mind.).

But, alas, that sly minx, Rhea...when she had Zeus, she wrapped up a stone and gave it to Cronus to eat instead (Side note: How pissed must she have been that the second she birthed out those children he ate them? All that hard work for nothing! Well, maybe not nothing...I guess then she didn't have to cook dinner that night, at least.). Well, I'm not sure how exactly he didn't realize he was eating a stone and not a baby (Answer: Maybe he was stoned. Haha, that was witty), but for one reason or another, it worked. Zeus grew up, forced Cronus to upchuck his brothers and sisters (who were somehow still living in Cronus' stomach all this time?) before claiming the throne.

So, all in all, a very believable and touching story. Thank you, ancient Greece, for sharing your wisdom and culture with us. Also, could you please pass us some of whatever you were drinking when you thought this up? We could use some. It must be good stuff!

What is the weirdest myth you've ever heard?